“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man … and then my dog bit me.”

“So. . .I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!”

“But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?”

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. “I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30″ she  said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s  civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good”, said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. “I sold magazines” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”

“Very good, Debbie”, said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467″, he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

Toothbrushes”, said Little Johnny. “Toothbrushes”, echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that  much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town”, said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip &Chip stand and I said to  everybody who walked by ,”Have a chip, try some dip!”.  They would take a chip and taste the dip and say, “Hey, this tastes like sh__!” Then I would say, “It sure is! Wanna buy a toothbrush???

finishing my first year over year race

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity so he asked… “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So she does… And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……”

2011 was an interesting year as I watch my kids get older and the new dog grow pretty quick I am continuously reminded of my own mortality.  I turned 30 this year which very quickly reminds you that you “ain’t no spring chicken” any more.  That being said I hit my target weight this year and as I write this now I am at 197.  I started this year > 250 so I feel like that even though I have gotten a lot older I am in better shape now than I have been for as long as I can remember.

Most of my endeavors this year have been related to making my body better by gaining endurance or something that effect.  And next year I want to do more of the same but also focus on the introspective things like stress and inter personal relationships.

So I have been giving a great deal of thought to my resolutions for this year and they go as follows:

1. To begin to understand/change my diet to reflect my activity level.

1.a. To run a sub 21 Minute 5k
1.b. To run a 1/2 Marathon

2. To be more introspective

2.a. To be a kinder and more forgiving person
2.b. To be less worried about what other are/aren’t doing and more focused on what I am/aren’t doing
2.c. To focus on spreading knowledge around

3.  To be more active in my web presence

3.a. To take a picture of myself every day for all 365 days
3.b. To post something technical to my blog at least 1 time per week
3.c. To build a site that represents my experience and portfolio and separate the jokes off from the technical stuff

4. To save more money and eliminate more debt

Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve acci

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

She said to him, “What’s wrong with you honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old man said “Lady, I’m not staring at you, I am telling you, det vould not be proper vair I come from”.

She said, “Well, if you’re not staring at my breasts sweetie, what are you doing then?”

He said, “Vell, I am looking and I’m looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride.”

… Well, I have done something about it: a couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many adult beverages. Realizing full well that I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before – I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and am not even sure where I got this one.