Wal-Mart Greeter
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
'Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
'They said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?'
Car Cleaning Day
I spent 3 hours cleaning my car this morning and the final result (Subuar FTW):
Cars
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
Black Bra
From the perspective of a woman (sent to me by a co-worker)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a
mistress, and I have been married For 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask
over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's
how it all went:
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." Then we made passionate love all night long...
The Mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a
Raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I
opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we
had wild sex all Night.
Then I had to share my Story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings,
stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said:
"What's for Dinner, Batman?"
Diary of Snow Shoveler
December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the
window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from
heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole
world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like
a boy again. I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and
covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I
got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
life! The snow plow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in
shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly.
We aren't in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my bottom on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like
hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was
very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had
to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've
bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing
to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The dam snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a
neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in
March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches
of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold, it
probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get
all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had
to pee. By the time I got undressed, took care of
business and dressed again, I was too tired to
shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck
for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too
busy. I think he is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to
0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the
house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she
did but I think
she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the fellow who drives that snow plow, I'll drag
him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken
shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for
me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at
a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to
sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I
was too busy watching for the snowplow.
December 25
Merry ***** Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop
tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my
blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him
over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I
have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm
going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move
here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my
nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came
after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400
to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. My WIFE
is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I
gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow
shovel where it shouldn't go. The wife went home to her
mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?